MNXMFan's Blog

What can I say, 5 months later, its time I admit that I still miss you from time to time.  Sure it doesn’t affect my life entirely, but there are passing momemts of sadness.  Is it because I have such a great memory?  Probably.  But you know something?  I still know we had some great times together.  Despite things ending out very poorly, I still couldn’t say that I hate you, or that I am angry at you.

I cared about you, and to a very small degree, I still do.  I will never deny that.  Because of you, my life is very different now than it was before.  You still managed to have a very positive impact on my life.  Sure, some of it may have been out of spite, but had it not been for you I would not be in school right now.  And I’m sure your not even reading this anymore, and honestly whether you are or are not, well that much doesn’t matter to me.  I just like getting this out there for me, not for anyone else.

I’m certainly not without my share of the blame for things happening, and I don’t think I ever said any different.  I just really honestly think that we had personality styles that didn’t match.  Sure we had some great times, and the bad times were so few and far between that it honestly shouldn’t have destroyed a friendship.  But it eventually did.  I couldn’t keep trying to make you happy only to be judged with a fine tooth comb everytime you needed me gone.  It just wasn’t healthy.  Nobody is perfect, I know and admit to most of my flaws, and I’m always looking for ways to discover them so I can learn and grow from my mistakes.  Thats not to say that you didn’t or don’t, so please don’t read it that way.

I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t even care still, but I do.  That’s not to say that I would take action on it, and I’m sure you ultimately realize that now.  This is as far as I’m likely to take it.  I’ve been debating an email just to get some closure on the situation, but when it comes down to it, at the moment I can’t.  Maybe sometime down the line sure, but I could and would never try to come anypace near you or cause you even the slightest bit of harm, ever.  Yeah, I used the whole cat thing on you, but that was honestly used only to recover my things.  I had no other option, and was only going to use that if you didn’t follow through on giving me my stuff back.  But, you did, and I didn’t use that against you.  I’m not vindictive, and I really do love animals.

So maybe this whole time I have been lying to myself.  But I think the reality is that I knew this was going to happen.  I mean, when your close with someone, how can you not miss them a little from time to time?  Will it ever stop?  Who knows, I mean I am working on it.  And you know, I am overall very happy with my life.  My social life has never been better, school is almost done, and the job hunt really has begun.  Hell, I have even gone as far as to start looking for apartments, so I have those goals to shoot for in May when the temperature gets a bit more civil. 

So yeah, I may be pathetic in still caring, but I do.  Its really hard to turn something like that off, even when I know the relationship wasn’t healthy for me.  I do feel really sorry for you.  I know you live with a very bad mental condition, and I know that alot of what happened is because of that.  I’m really sad that you couldn’t or chose not to see it that way, because I do feel that maybe you could learn from it.  But it is what it is.

And if you are reading this, I know your going to think its part of some elaborate game to try to win you back, but the reality is, its not.  This is just me being completely honest.  Putting a problem down on paper so I know how to solve it.  I’m not trying for anything, I’m not hoping for anything.  I’m just getting it off my chest in the hopes that now that it’s out there, I can start the process of examining it and moving forward with my life.  Sort of a step in the process of learning how to let people close to me again, because I knwo right now I’m not ready for that.

But read it how you will, I know now that I could never have a chance at changing your mind in any way.  I just wish you the best of luck in your path.  I know many of you out there are reading this who know me quite well and think that I shouldn’t even be saying that, but I have to say it.  And I know most of you know why.  Hate is a strong word, and I don’t hate anyone.  This is the first time that an impasse has happened, and the first time I’ve lost a friend completely, but that doesn’t mean I can not care.  Thats not something you can shut off.

I know now that a friendship isn’t a possibility, and I accept that part of it.  I am hurt because you do feel that I was holding you back when the reality is that I was just trying to make you happy, but I guess that really wasn’t ever possible.  You’re the only one who can make you happy.  I know you thought your house was a vacation from my life, but the reality was that it was not.  Sure, it was fun, but it was also alot of work.  I just try really hard to make people happy, especially you, and so even when I wanted to leave, I didn’t because I really did not want to let you down.  I wanted to be there for you, be your rock, and help you, even at the expense of my own wellbeing.  I did not care, and I did not judge you.  Sure your relationship this past year went against everything I felt morally, but hey, I did support you.  I really did.  And I’m not sure if you meant everything you said to me, but I did take it that way.  You said to me that there was no way I would ever make it on my own because I couldn’t even “brown meat” and you know what?  That really hurt.  And I know that was the intent.  But it didn’t hurt because of the context, it hurt because it simply wasn’t true.  I could brown meat, have done so many MANY times before.  But, as you know, my coordination isn’t the best and so I am used to draining it a different way.  Its how I have always done it, ALWAYS.  And it hurt me because I volunteered to make dinner because I knew you were tired and I wanted to help.  I wanted you to get a chance to relax a bit, as much as I was able to do.  I wanted to clean the kitchen, and I wanted you to lie down while I took care of you, yet it ended up getting used against me.  I felt like absolute dirt, scum, etc.  And yeah, I know we could have worked through that, but after that, well, I guess ultimately I didn’t want to anymore. 

But even still, I could have seen past all of that, I really could have, because I KNOW I’m not perfect, and to an extent, I enjoy the abuse, which is something I really need to learn not to enjoy.  What really pushed me over the edge was having to deal with the police to get my things back, and being told what I was told by them.  Of COURSE I wasn’t going to come back, I had no intention, and still have no intention of doing so.  OF COURSE I wasn’t going to harm your property, who do you think I am?  Had I wanted to do that, I had opprotunity to do so before trying to just have you leave the stuff outside.  I’m not a criminal, but yet you treated me like one both times.  And the funny thing is, I actually called them to check the legality of me asking for my stuff back about an hour before they called me anyways.  That’s not the kind of person I am, hell it was hard enough to even pull the pet card.  And yet, 5 months later I have made no attempt to contact you.  For the first three months I hadn’t even gone down the road you live off of, and now I only do it because its a shortcut to the mall from where I live currently.  I haven’t set foot in the neighborhood since that night, nor do I plan to, not even to go to my brother’s girlfriends house. 

Anyways, I guess I’m ranting now.  It might seem wishy washy, but it is what it is.  I’m still satisfied with my decision ultimately, but I do wish it never had to come to that, and I do feel bad for you.  Because, at the end of the day at least I can walk away from BPD, but you do have to deal with it for the rest of your life.  I truely feel sorry about that.  All I have to do is deal with missing all the good parts about you, and there are many of those, despite there being bad parts that ultimately outweighed the good.  But having said that, most of the bad parts you can’t control.

Good Luck, I hope you are able to cope enough someday to find happiness, I really do.

So, the season’s cold finally got to me, argh!  Oh well, at least the brunt of it waited until after Thanksgiving to hit me. 

I’m not one to get sick often, but when I do, I get really sick, and so I have spent Saturday and Sunday nursing this cold, as well as getting to bed really early on Friday.  The odd thing is, I feel a tad worse for the wear now than I did two days ago.  Oh well, at least the nasal pain has gone away (I was beginning to think it was going to be a sinus infection, but it’s moved on now I guess).

So this year, I decided to actually participate slightly in the madness known as Black Friday.  For those of you outside of the states or who otherwise don’t know what Black Friday is, let me tell you.  Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving.  See, for a long time, it has been tradition for many people to start their Christmas shopping on the day after Thanksgiving.  It is called Black Firday, because that is the time that many retail businesses actually show a profit for the first time all year.  Kinda sad when you think about it, huh?

Anyways, I had been needing to get a flash drive for a few months now, since I broke mine sometime back in September.  So, having said that, I checked the ads for all the sales about a week and a half ago, and found a great deal on a 4 gig flash drive from Circuit City.  It was somewhere around $25 after tax.  Anyways, I decided to go out there and pick one up.  The Circuit City nearby is located accross the street from the mall, so I should have already known it would be a zoo.  The parking lot was absolutely packed, and people were just grabbing any spot they could find, marked or not.  I went in, and battled the crowds (pretty sure some fire codes were being broken too, but who knows) to get to the back of the store where the flash drives were located.  And, at 11AM, there was not one drive to be found (at least not in a reasonable price range).  Granted it didn’t look like there had been many to begin with, but I was frustrated with myself, and the situation.

So, I decide to go check out Best Buy on the off chance they might have one on sale.  Sure, it might not be the one I want, but hey, I’ll check it.  Now granted, the Best Buy in my area is located kind of out in the middle of nowhere, but still was rather busy.  With that said, the employee’s were very helpful, and they did indeed have a drive on sale.  Not as good of a deal as I would have gotten from Circuit City, but I still picked it up for under $40 after tax.  Keep in mind that these drives run around $70 normally, as it is the 4GB model.  I was able to walk up and get checked out right away, so I was happy. Next year I’ll pass on the whole black friday thing.  Yeah the deals are good, but at what mental cost to us?

After that, I ran away from most civilization, and met up with Rose and her fiance Mike for some lunch and Ice Cream, so the day certainly was far from a total loss.  At least I got to meet up with some friends and have a good time talking about how we are all avoiding Black Friday like The Plague next year.

So, overall it was a really good thanksgiving, although strange again this year.

You see, last year my sister was over in Europe, and it was the first year we had a thanksgiving without my sister.  Well, this year my Gramma couldn’t make it, because she is not feeling well.  This is the first year we have not had her with us for the festivities.

So anyways, it was me, my aunt, my parents, my two cousins, my sister, and my brother.  The turkey was delicious, and no family fights broke out, which is always good.  It was a bit more rushed than last year, because we wanted to get food over to my Grandma before it was too late.

And now, I’m just plain ole tired from all that turkey.

Just wanted to say to all you faithful readers out there, hope you had a safe and happy Thanksgiving holiday!

I’ll be back later with some updates!

So yeah, I have to admit that I’m not perfect.  And I’m sure at least one person is reading this and saying WOOOHOOOO.   I’m miserable.  The thing is, I don’t know why.  Things are going pretty good, my social life has never been better, I’m almost done with school, and I’m moving forward on nearly every other aspect of my life.

Then why do I feel like hiding?  My friends are all AWESOME, so I don’t want any of you thinking that your not, but I can’t help but feel the desire to shut off my cell phone, log off all my IM clients, and just curl up into a ball for a while.  Most of you know this is part of my MDD (if you don’t know what thats short for, just ask), and likely isn’t avoidable.  The thing you might not know is that I am going through one of those rough patches.

So, why haven’t you noticed, I mean surely your a great friend, right?  I mean your reading this drivel religiously, even if I haven’t had the time to call you recently, so you must be a good friend.  Well, truth be told, I’m REALLY good at hiding it.  Probably because I feel the constant need to make my friends happy, combined with societies desire to condition us all not to show our weak spots.  And I don’t have it in me to say “I need help” or even to say “You know what, I could really use a hug” (and if your a male friend of mine, your not going to ablige anyways, thank you for that!).  See, I’m the rock.  I’m the guy that everyone comes to, right?

What I usually do, is mask the pain with food and humor, which can sometimes be a bad combination as it ends up making me wanna puke.  Maybe I just feel detatched.  I honestly don’t know what it is, or how to explain it.  Sure, it could be because I quit smoking, which was something I really enjoyed.  I have absolutely no idea.  All I know is I am finding it hard to sleep, but when I do sleep, I sleep waaaaay too much, and I’m tired all the time.  I believe the medical community calls that lovely gem HYPERSOMNIA.  Maybe my drugs have stopped working (come to think of it, maybe I have stopped TAKING them!). 

Who knows, but one things for sure, I could probably use a net hug or something simular.  The funny thing is, one of my instructors asked me how I can be so happy all the time.  I guess I’ve turned hiding into an art.  Now accepting students for an $80 per session class on “Problems, how to make people think you don’t have any” seminar.

So, its been almost a month since my last post.  Sorry, things get rather hectic around here with school, and work, and my rather active social life. 

Anyways, to update you on a few things:

The podcast I tried to start up is officially cancelled.  I’m sure it had potential, but I simply do not have the time to research the topics and get new shows recorded enough to make it worth your while.  Perhaps once school is done and I have a full time job, things will settle down, but as it stands now, I’m hardly home for more than a few hours on the weekdays, and usually so wiped by that on the weekends (and let us not forget the social life) that I am not motivated enough to do it.

My car broke down.  Yup thats right.  Well, not break, but it was still a $2500 repair by the time all was said and done.  Fuel injectors went bad on me.  Not too bad considering I’ve had the car now for 4 years, and I’ve only put about $4000 into it in total, but it still hurts to spend that much at once!

Because of the car breaking down, I’m picking up more hours at work.  I’m a workstudy at school, so I don’t get too many hours, but I can pick up as many as 20 hours a week, or up to $1500 this semester in total pay (at 8 bucks per hour).

I still have yet to smoke a cigarette since I quit on October 1st.  It hasn’t been all easy, but I’m commiitted to making this time work.  That should help with that $2500, you’d think, but I want to recognize extra spending money because of it, so I am more motivated to not start again, so I won’t be putting it towards that.

I haven’t been getting to the gym three times a week yet, but November will change that.  I’ve been tired because, as I’m sure some of you ex smokers are aware, quitting affects your sleeping habits and schedule.  I seem to have those issues worked out now, and will probably start up again either tomorrow or Saturday on the whole workout plan.  I got a new MP3 player, because I managed to break my old one, so there is even more motivation, and if I get in 13 times per month, my insurance company reimburses me $20.

I’m still working on upgrading this blog, but my host is still having some issues, so we shall see if I can get that done in the next few weeks (time permitted, of course!).

I am considering completely taking free time away from myself and starting my career a bit early.  I’ve got some feelers out there for jobs, so if the right one comes along, I may very well start working before the semester ends in December.  It’d be tough, but for the right job it would also be worth it to torture myself for a few weeks.

The plan is still to move out sometime this coming spring, and with degree in hand, it shouldn’t be that hard to find a job to make that a reality.  I’ve been noticing more job openings as of late for my career path, so thats good news.  This summer was pretty dry, and evidently the few places I applied for decided they still wanted to see proof of my graduation, which will happen in December.  The one exception to this rule is a job I found out about that is in Burnsville which pays right around what I was looking for and does not require that you have a degree.  (Its posted through school, so they probably know they are getting someone who is GOING to have a degree anyways).

Apperantly, I broke my about me page, so I will work on getting that back up.  Which is a good thing, because I now also have a facebook page, and it would be nice to have a one stop shop way of finding my online persona.

Anyways, thats all for now, I have some opinion posts that I would like to materialize, but I’ll have to wait and see if I can get the time to sit down and write them.  I have a study group that meets tomorrow, so I better get off this thing and start transitioning to bed here.